Sunday, August 21, 2016

Snazzy Snippets // read fetus sophia's bad writing

snazzy snippets graphic

So this round of Snazzy Snippets is technically Childhood Edition, but I decided to ignore questions 2 and 3 and just inundate you with my answer to question number 1:

A snippet from something your wrote more than 2 years ago.

I scoured my basement and family bookshelves for my childhood scribbles, and I was EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL in my quest. Travel with me into my hobbit history, and cringe with me at my "stories." (Though I realize that I didn't write enough of my crazy ideas down, so I share my thought processes too.) Shall we dive into the madness?

*whoosh**time traveling noises**it's 2005*
my first ever notebook (thanks for writing dates on all my scribble-books, mom!)

The evil Butler Matt
Almost-9-year-old me has just discovered that I can WRITE BOOKS. (Before this, I thought writers were magical sorcerers or something, beings with powers far beyond those of mere mortals like myself.) My first novel is called Great-Great-Aunt and tells of the adventures of a family going to stay with their 99 year old Great-Great-Aunt Margie (who is extremely lively for her age) and the conflict involved Great-Great-Aunt's butler irrational hate of children (which is suddenly resolved without any sort of explanation because I am sick of this story and want to end it fast and write something with MAGIC). This book is five chapters long and involves a very innocent Chapter 3 that I just read out loud with my father and sister, and we all laughed way too hard at all the unintentional sexual innuendos. Oh innocent baby Sophia. I'm not sharing those here but I might on twitter eventually... if I feel like it... ;) Behold instead some other pages of my manuscript, rife with illustrations, cross-outs, and misspellings.

After conveniently finishing that book, I move on to A FANTASY NOVEL OBVIOUSLY because WHAT IS A STORY WITHOUT MAGIC? It's called Princess Katherine and is abandoned after two pages.

Soon after, I move on to The Magic Door which is basically Narnia, except Professor Diggory Kirke is an old, grumpy, and old fashioned man named Mr. Wistly. Oh, and all the children have names that start with the letter S because that's not confusing at all. (You can also always tell how old I am because it's the narrator's age too. *coughcough*MarySue*coughcough* Particularly here because her name is FREAKING SOPHIE. NOT OBVIOUS AT ALL SOPHIA.)

Obviously, my best work is the prophecy that the children find:

That book is left unfinished, right after I introduce an actually fascinating character named Duke Kochel, who is actually a pig in a tri-corner hat.

Next, I begin my first story that actually has a tiny sliver of potential. I call it Edwarde Story, beginning a long tradition of placeholder titles. (Years later, I try again and rename it Kings and Traitors.) IT IS NOT NARNIA, which is something to be proud of. IT IS ALSO PLOTTED ALL THE WAY THROUGH (though not written all the way through), and even has a SEQUEL PLOTTED OUT ALL THE WAY THROUGH which is (if you know my current plotting troubles) something absolutely to be proud of. (2006 Sophia the Plotting Queen please come back!) However, the writing is still obviously cringey, and I actually refer to someone as "substantially pretty," at one point. Like, what does that even mean? Her prettiness had substance? Sophia, what?
Below is my hero being all pensive in a dungeon.

I decide next to try my hand at romance (though still within the genre of fantasy and adventure), and started Over the Mountains, about a badass peasant girl who is recruited to guide a prince over the mountains and to his home. This one was also plotted all the way to the end - granted, it was only 8 chapters long from beginning to end, but still, child-Sophia, please come back with your plotting abilities!

Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but I had a thing for naming my characters normal names but SPELLED INSANELY. Alyce, Olyver, Nykolas, Wyliom, and PHREDRICK. SERIOUSLY.

And now we reach 2007 and The Ancora. I don't really know how to summarize this book. It involved a boy named Alon who somehow got wound up with a bunch of outlaws in a heist to steal a powerful jewel called the Ancora while simultaneously on the search for his father. I even dressed up as one of the lady outlaws for Halloween that year. Think LOTR meets Robin Hood meets God-Knows-What-Goes-On-In-11-Year-Old-Sophia's-Head, and that's basically what this is.

It had a plot bunny of a sequel called The Vong which was basically The Ancora meets mystic cults, and thankfully that plot bunny withered and died.

I think we'll end on that note, yes? Would you actually READ any of these books? And I want to hear about YOUR crazy childhood writing. Isn't it so fun to travel back in time like this?


  1. This was so hilarious. I have a lot of strange childhood writing, mostly fantasy with names spelled crazily. For example, theres a hundred words of 'Magic Truth Sky' which was when I attempted NaNo in 6th grade and didn't get very far, which involves a lost sword, a hidden princess, and a prophecy (it was an action packed 100 words). I also wrote 'The Murder of 1809' which involves a crazy vengeful girl who kills people because her 'beau' left. I also co-wrote 'The Long Story' with my siblings when we were like six, which is about our adventures with the fairies when we were like six, and is typed up thanks to our patient homeschool teacher. I also have the very beginnings of something which basically involves a mother sending her child to float down the river (kinda like Moses I guess) and being picked up by a magical hippo....yeah. Thanks for sharing <3

  2. Oh my goodness, this was lovely! As I read over your snippets, I had flashbacks of my own crazy stories. I did similar things to with how I told the stories, copied Narnia, or gave similar sounding or WEIRD spelling names to characters. X'D It's perfect.

    I love that in the one story you had the narrate tell everybody's ages like that was the most important thing to say. I remember doing that too. And having stories that were only like 5 chapters long and thinking this was HUGE. I love it. :)

    The drawings are cute too.

  3. I love going through my old stuff, it makes me feel better about my new stuff.


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